Changes

I was taught at a young age to be independent. You can only rely on yourself for your own happiness. I guess that's why trust has always been a big issue for me. I was never good at expressing my feelings. When you tell someone how you truly feel about them, you become vulnerable. It's like handing someone your heart on a plate, and he gets to cut it up any way he wishes. I was never brave enough for that. All the "what if's" scared me into hiding behind a wall. I don't trust anyone with my heart. The only way to save myself from the possibility of a painful heartbreak was to run away from any relationship before it became serious. Better to initiate the break up than to be broken up with right?

I never even thought of myself as the relationship type. I don't like the feeling of being tied down, restricted to only one person. Recently though, I've been rethinking that statement. In the past, I've never had a problem with running away from my ex's. But when you find someone that makes you stop caring about all the "what if's", how are you supposed to respond? I know what's going to end up happening: heartbreak and loneliness. But I find myself not caring anymore. I'd rather risk it all spending a few months in his arms. What happened to my sense of self defense? How did I get myself stuck in this situation?

There's no room for regrets in life. I'm letting my emotional side take over for now. Here's to a great summer.

Random

So recently, I've been watching dream wedding shows. Why? ...just because... I was in bed a lot ever since I got reallyyyy sick for approximately three days straight already. Sucks, I'm actually still sick now. Nyquil just isn't doing it man. I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection... I'm like aching all over in my head and other sinus cavities... what's the right term...(?) OH AND NONSTOP PHLEGM PRODUCTION WTF!? --Yeah I know, GROSS, but anyway back to the wedding thing, one show was called "My Fair Wedding." I have to say that David Tutera is a hilarious gay dude. I totally want my own wedding planner. I'm not like Nina where I'd already know what exactly I want on my wedding day, from color scheme --to dress-- to center pieces and etc. c[: Fifi and I were talking about weddings --and children too I think (this was two nights ago). According to the ideal "plan," she said that I have "6 years left to get married and have a children [at a good age]. No pressure." NO PRESSURE? HAAAA. LOL ;A;

Where is my fancy bus?

FOREVER ALONE. XD

They always say that when you least expect it, it'll happen. I never really expect anything though. When someone does show interest, they're never what I'm looking for. Unfortunately. :(

Traumarama

I'd been digging in my head for blog topics when I realized I had material already. I always happen to brainstorm topics at work, so why not write about work? Silly me.

Ever since I was 5 years old, I've spent my summers and actually, most of my free time, at the hospital, either running around in princess dresses getting quizzical looks from strangers in the waiting room to running around in the emergency room rummaging for IDs in people's pockets. Of course, I'm grateful that I didn't spend all that time in a hospital bed or looking after a sick loved one, but I've seen a lot more than necessary in my time here.

There's a little place in my brain compact with random memories of patients I've met, their stories, and images of strangers I'll probably never see again but can't seem to forget. When I was 15, I worked as a tray assistant at Newton-Wellesley Hospital delivering meal trays to patients on every floor. I wheeled my cart into the kitchen one day, stepped into a backroom to check my phone, and saw techs in scrubs wheeling a body into the private elevator. Even if I hadn't known they were headed for the morgue in the basement (my coworkers told me), I could've guessed by the atmosphere, and that was the first time I felt the chill of a recently deceased patient.

The patients in the cancer intensive care units are incredible. You better be prepared to walk into a room without changing your facial expression, tone of voice, or anything no matter what you see in front of you. Bruised skin from head to toe, shaved heads, wires and IVs for god knows what sticking out everywhere, and a look on their faces 20 years more tired than they should be. And that was just the typical cancer inpatient. I'd see pretty much the same people every weekend, in various stages of recovery or degeneration, and eventually someone else would be in the bed.

These days, work is a lot more hectic and sometimes even comical. Imagine having a psych patient accuse you of stealing a cigarette from her when you've been in front of her the whole time -__- Oh, and then having to go along with it till the nurses calm her down. One time, I had to read out every number on my scrap paper in Spanish so the patient would answer my questions. How about having a ginormous person dressed in all black trying to whisper curses or whatever at you as you walk away slowly...then coming back to find out from security that the voodoo guy was asking where the "little girl" went. There are also some moments where I just walk into a room, stare for about 5 seconds (if the patient is unconscious), get over the "whoa there" phase, and then proceed, like that time I walked into a trauma room after being OK'ed and there was a very large vagina in front of me. Every now and then, when I ask a drunk person if they'd like to add an emergency contact, the answer will be "Oh I don't have one? Well what's your name?" You'd be surprised how creative people can get about where they defecate too - in the sink of a public bathroom, all snug in their johnnies, next to the toilet on the ground, and the infamous trail of poop leading from the patient's room to the bathroom. I wish I could get that EMT job I want so I could get more hands-on, wouldn't you want to?

Deaths are pretty uncommon in the ER, at least when I'm working. They are usually sudden and public, and can make the whole ER solemn for hours. Family members gather inside the room, coming in and out sobbing and talking on the phone, making arrangements and whatnot. The patient's status is labeled "Expired."

Um, that's pretty much all I want to type right now. I'm really hungry and can't think right now. Peace out .__.

'Grey's Anatomy' teehee

Super Secret Wishlist, But Not Really

List no longer available! ...I realized that all of the things on the list I'd rather buy them myself LOL. Except for the bear cause I don't want to buy myself a huge bear XD

I wonder who actually looks at our blog now...o_O"

Cheers!

The Asia Affect

So I was looking through my pictures from this summer, and I came across the "Shanghai" folder. I open it, and begin to browse through the photos. Then I start thinking, "wow, what am I wearing?" It's amazing how when you're in China, everything looks better than they actually are. All the clothes become cute. All the music sound amazing. Even the people are good looking. But then you come back to the states and realize, what were you thinking?? The clothes are fobby and cheap. The singers can't sing for their lives. And most importantly, the people are mad ugly! It's like once you land in asia, you start to wear beer goggles. Everything looks better, because that's the best they got. The clothes look good since that's what everyone is wearing on the streets. The music sounds great because that's all they ever play on the radio. And the people are considered good looking because they don't have many Justin Timberlakes walking around. The standards are lower, so your common sense begins to degrade too.

This is why I never post pictures of me in China. Well that and because China is so polluted, my skin starts breaking out. Washing my face three times a day didn't help either. If you wanna save your skin, you basically have to wear a gas mask whenever you went out.

I still love going to Shanghai, you just won't ever see any proof of me being there.

Ventilation Part I

I don't know about you, but I believe that everyone should have their own personal space and time for themselves every once in a while. It's understandable that some people dislike being alone because they get bored and stuff --I mean, I get lonely too but wanting someone there all the time is just too much, man. Maybe I'm being too narrow minded, but that is how I feel.

A couple of weeks ago, I kind of blew up at someone. OK, maybe not kind of, I definitely did blow up. I felt bad for not being able to stop it from happening, but I also felt like I was being suffocated. It was inevitable I guess. Everything is alright now I think (?). Still a bit confused, but everything seems to be ok. With school, Kappa, and every other little thing going on in my life, I realize that I don't have any time for doing me or setting aside time for my own family and close family friends. They're not always going to be there and I feel really guilty and really bad that I don't make time to go visit them every now and then or etc. Then again, I should focus on myself because that's all I really have in the end. I'm digressing (relative, but still).

"It is what it is." This phrase was overused a lot by a certain teacher of mine back then. I feel like this is an appropriate time to be using it though to express my "argument" or whatever it was. Acceptance. Sometimes, there will be things in life that you don't agree with and that you can't change (for instance, changing a characteristic of another individual especially if they're head strong and stubborn. That is who they are. Who are you to force your belief/ways on them?). You just have to deal with it. Just deal, man. The world will still continue to go 'round. Accept and move on. It's the best way to save your time and energy. I don't think that another person should have so much impact on you over a very small, obscure matter that it's life draining to you. Especially if it's over something like not spending a lot time with them when you're just friends. That is too much. We should have more important priorities in mind rather than worrying about foolish and childish problems like that.

Everyone should try to be considerate of one another and agree to disagree. Negotiation and sacrifice are good solutions for problems like these, no?

I hope I made sense.

Life in the City Part 1

I've spent my life in 3 major cities: Shanghai, New York, and now Boston.

In order to survive in any city, you must learn the ways of a City Girl. When I was 3, I was told to bite, then run away from strangers who approach me. I traveled from Shanghai to New York by myself when I was 12. By the time I was 14, I knew how to navigated my way through the subway stations. I had my first kiss at age 16. I am always alert of pickpockets from the corners of my eyes. I love the way the night shines not just from the moon, but from the bright lights of the skyscrapers. I believe jaywalking is the easiest way to cross the street. I take advantage of the fact that no matter how late it is, you can always find a place to eat. As you can see, the city has taught me well. But besides survival skills, the city has provided opportunities to witness some unique...things.

Thing #1: I think the best part of living in the city is the people watching. It's unbelievable how many crazy people there are in this world, and the unthinkable things they will do. The notorious Naked Cowboy in Time Square is probably the best example, strumming away on his guitar in his underwear in the middle of December. (I hear he's running for president now!) Or maybe the mirror lady on Westland Ave., who stares at a mirror nonstop, even when she's crossing the street. Even those mexicans that dogwhistle at any female creature that walks by. It makes me wonder, what are they thinking? Is the Naked Cowboy torturing himself in the cold because he's going through financial issues, or he just likes to show off his buttcheeks? Is the mirror lady self conscious about how she looks to everyone else, or just so arrogant that she can't stop looking at herself? Do mexicans amuse themselves by hitting on teenagers and old ladies alike, or do they think there's a higher chance of catching a fish if they put more bait on the hook?

If you have 10 minutes to spare, sit in a window seat in a cafe shop on a busy intersection, and just watch the people that walk by. Where are they going? Where did they come from? What are they thinking? Of course, you'll never get the real answer out of them. Just let your imagination fill in the blanks. When you live in a fast pace city, sometimes, focusing on other people's lives is the only way you can escape your own, if only for a few minutes.
Part 2 coming soon!