Monday, October 11, 2010

On a more serious note...

I realize (well, OK I was fully aware) that my last blog post was lackluster, unless you happen to be a Patriots fan too. Consequently, here is my sophomore attempt to blog about deep shit.

I've recently learned that feeling love and verbalizing it for real is incredibly difficult, at least for me. It took a couple weeks just to sort out the confusion in my body. Literally, I got so effed up in the head and heart and spaces in between, it actually started hurting at some point. To quote the Japanese drama I'm currently watching, "My Boss My Hero," it felt like a midget was beating my heart with a hammer and the beating got increasingly frequent and distracting. I guess that's when I realized I should probably accept my feelings (that I've gone soft -__-) and tell it like it is.

You'd think this is where it gets easier, but it actually took a rainy night, an empty park, and a shot or two of E&J to get the words out. When you're in a relationship and say it, but don't mean it, it's way too easy to say. Conversely, I think it's one of the worst feelings in the world to realize how you feel about someone after a relationship has ended. Feeling it, absorbing it, accepting it, and saying it during a relationship is an entirely different experience for me. I've learned that I'm an incorrigibly heart-driven person and the damn bloody organ doesn't get enough credit for all it's worth. Stoicism is not in my nature and it's only made me hard-headed and heavy-hearted (see what I did there?). The consequences, as told by brain, included changing the whole relationship, the other person walking off, or the other person saying something terribly unwarranted (I myself have responded to "I love you" with "...I have to go shower now"). But the winning argument, as told by heart, was that I must say it because time is unreliable and fortune is fickle. In plain english... what if something happened in the next 5 minutes and that person never knew how much they mean to you? That, folks, is a classic tragedy, reincarnated in plays, songs, and movies, and pulling at people's lives like puppets on E.

And there you have it, vicious cycle may it be, I am embracing every part of my relationship. I am foolishly and unabashedly banking on this one like a n00b because I've never let my heart go unsupervised by my brain. I'll try not to be so cynical and guarded to a fault as to neglect my feelings and maybe this time, fate will let me have someone to grow old with.

(I realize this post may be overly sentimental and optimistic but everyone should feel genuinely young at heart no matter how old they are, no?)

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